


Perfectly Combative

by LeiasLeftBun



Series: After Endor [5]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Genre: All that stuff, F/M, Fluff, Post RotJ, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-11-01 08:30:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10918131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeiasLeftBun/pseuds/LeiasLeftBun
Summary: Main Part Number Three ofAfter Endor!This part is mostly from Leia's P.O.V. And focuses on her physical and mental health. Read the other parts of the series first, as this won't make much sense without them.Or, if you enjoy confusion, go ahead and read this one first. Honestly, I am not here to tell you how to live your life.





	1. The Graveyard

**Author's Note:**

> **Hello!** This is the 3rd full length fanfiction of the After Endor series. This series will be marked with "Part __ of After Endor". Each fanfiction in this series will have ten chapters and one bonus chapter (posted separately). 
> 
> It begins shortly after ROTJ. This one starts immediately after "Dangerous Terrain." Read the others first or this won't make much sense! 
> 
> **Italicized** phrases separate from paragraphs indicate a character's thoughts. It won't always be clear who is thinking them. 
> 
> You can pick whoever you want or think it is. Be free, my wonderful readers. (This mostly means I have forgotten who they originally belonged to, because it fits both character's personalities. Or because I am drunk.) 
> 
> Eight asterisks used in-between paragraphs indicate a time lapse and/or character switch that I thought needed pointed out. I just wanted it to be easier to read and follow. That is also why I always go to new paragraphs often. It works better for beings with ADHD (like me).
> 
> **If** you are bored and want to draw any of these scenes, Go for it! I'd love to see them! I would draw them myself but I lack the skill. Send them to leiasleftbun.tumblr.com and I will post them with credits and a link to you! Or, tag me in the post with them! I can repay you with a gifted fanfic or someone to talk about Star Wars with or my friendship (not that anyone wants that last one lol)
> 
> **As** always, leave a comment if you want a specific content warning. I will add them to the beginning of each applicable chapter. I would hate to be the reason for panic attacks, meltdowns, or even mild discomfort.

**No Time Has Passed**

Leia turned and left without saying another word.

She subconsciously counted the soft paps of her footsteps as she hurried towards home; the numbers mixing in with jumbled thoughts. 

_One... Leia why.... five... what happened in there..... twelve..._

The beeps of droids and the voices of idle conversation began to overwhelm her senses. 

Motion seemed to slow around her as she rapidly attempted to decipher her reaction to what should have been a simple conversation. She was causing herself to panic. 

_Okay, Leia, you are real.... forty seven.... ground yourself... fifty two... say what you know... fifty eight..._

She told herself that she was Leia. She has brown hair and brown eyes. She is on Chandrila. She is married to Han Solo. 

She repeated this. 

_Seventy... You are okay... seventy five... you are alive and safe.... eighty two... what hell did that conversation with Mon release into my skull... ninety one..._

A wave of emotion poured over her. That conversation was one she had expected to first have with her parents, if it ever were to occur at all. 

The counting stopped as stabs of pain radiated through her chest. She had killed her parents. She had killed billions of innocent people. She had never let herself grieve. 

Now, with her future family on her mind, she was forced to. 

The metallic buzz of a lock brought her out of her daze. Looking around, she noticed people were staring. 

Staring at her. Staring at her frozen form of which was blocking the flow of beings through the busy hallway.

She wanted to curl up and die right there. 

Her eyes began to burn. 

_Please, do not cry in the hallway. Get to the apartment._

********

Her body trembled as she changed into pajamas and snuggled into bed, tears now rolling down her cheeks. 

She relived the dreadful day over and over. Flash of light. Metallic breathing. Flash of light. Metallic breathing. 

_What could I have done to prevent that? Destroyed the rebellion? The Empire simply would have destroyed that planet and many more._

It was becoming clear to her that the previous five years had done nothing in the way of healing her trauma. 

Not that she had assumed that it had.

 _I am so sorry, mother. I am so sorry, father. I am so sorr-_

She began to sob, hugging Han's pillow tight against her. Her chest tightened with each gasp for air. 

A sour taste formed in her throat. 

_Han and Luke are going to die, too. Everyone and everything I love is used against me._

Her body turned rosy and her face blotched. She took a deep breath and noticed something in the silence. 

The world had not ended.

In a small ray of light peeking around the curtains, she saw the dust swirl around. 

The sounds of children running and laughing filled the halls outside the apartment, their hands dragging along the walls.

Air conditioning kicked on and she felt the cool breeze pour over her.

She wanted to end all of it. Nobody should be happy right now. Don't they know how bad life is? 

She began sobbing again; drowning out the noises around her.

She had to make it stop. The crying and self-pity had to stop. She had to find something.

Anything. Anything at all that she could use to calm down or knock herself out or even kill herself.

Which, thinking about, made her feel bad for only Han and Luke. 

_More so a favor, Leia. You know they would be safer without you. Nobody to torture them. Nobody would use them. Nobody would have to worry about any more force-sensitive beings..._

She pulled open the nightstand drawer and found a clear glass bottle of which was filled with a rich burgundy liquid. 

_This looks like a mess. I don't know what it is. A mix of something?_

It burned like hell. 

She realized it minimally had a shit-ton of alcohol in it. Possibly mixed with a drug of sorts. 

_Well, I regret this. I do not feel very well._

********

"Leia, I know." Luke's voice echoed in an empty dark room.

"Luke?" 

"I know about the child. I am here to warn you about the danger you and Han are both in." 

Leia didn't respond. She was frozen. 

"Leia? Are you okay? Leia-"

********

"Leia?" The vision faded away, leaving her half-asleep and trembling. "It's okay, princess. I am here." Han was rubbing her back gently, whispering positive affirmations to her as he attempted to wake her. 

"Mon called me and said that you seemed... different? I came home to check on you," he brushed the hair out of her face. "Is it okay if I hold you?"

Han cradled her as she was still wrapped in a fluffy blanket. Wails poured from her, loud enough he thought the neighbors would come check on them.

This went on for what seemed like hours. 

_I know it hasn't been that long. It just feels as if._

She started to become aggressive; kicking the blanket off of her, biting her hands, and hitting his chest. 

_You messed up. You messed up. You know it. He knows it. Surely, you smell of alcohol._

"Please, Leia, tell me what has happened." He said as he pulled her hands away from her mouth.

"I should have died with my family and I wish I had. I only bring pain to every single person I know." 

She was barely coherent. Her voice was cracked and breathless.

His hands went cold. 

"Leia." It was all he could get out. He thought for a moment longer. "Leia, you-"

"You have so much to live for," he grabbed her hands and made eye contact. "You have Luke and I. You have the New Republic. You have... you. Even if you only had yourself, you shouldn't have died and you shouldn't be thinking about what I think you are." 

The air in the darkened room stilled for a moment. She let herself breathe. Normal sounds seemed to resume. Beeps, central hvac, elevator whooshes, the rustle of Han's legs on the comforter. 

"I do not want to hurt any more people."

"You haven't hurt anybody."

"That is a lie."

"It is not. You have not hurt anyone, I am fine. Luke is fine. Everyone is okay," he kissed the top of her head. "The past is in the past; none of it was your fault. Don't you dare feel guilty for something Vader did. That is what he would want." 

She let out a sigh. A bit of weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She crawled out of his arms and back to her side of the bed.

Han began straightening up the blankets. An empty bottle rolled out from one of them.

"Leia? You didn't drink this, did you?" She kept a straight face.

"Fuck, Leia. I don't even drink that stuff! It was just a mix of leftover things that couldn't legally be disposed of here! Do you know what you have done? What could have happened?" 

She closed her eyes and placed her hand over them.

"That bottle was liquid painkiller, vodka, melatonin, and gods know what else. Are you trying to kill yourself?" He was still brandishing the empty bottle.

Her face broke and the splotches that had not yet fully faded began to form again. 

"Please, I just want the truth. If you need to go somewhere, I will take you somewhere. If you don't want this, I will take you somewhere." He explained gently. 

"Han, I was just trying to get some relief. I had no idea it was a mix of drugs and alcohol," she said. "It was not my intention to harm you, the baby, or myself." 

He sighed. It was easy for him to read her. She was lying. On which part, he was unsure. He knew it wouldn't be of any help to question her any further. 

"Okay, Leia. I am sorry I questioned you."


	2. Belonging

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow updates, as you know, I majorly changed the story line about a month ago and it is slow going with all the editing that needs done.

**One Week Later**

Han walked into the apartment and gently pulled the door closed behind him. 

The familiar hum of the lopsided conservator filled the air. The sunset shown into the living room. It was perfect. _Almost..._

"Leia? I know you are home, I saw your shoes by the door!" 

_Great. I hope she didn't do anything stupid._

He walked into the living room and almost tripped over her. 

Leia hadn't ignored him, she was simply asleep on the plushy white rug. Holocubes poked out of the thick fibers surrounding her. A datapad was flipped down by her hand.

_What an adorable little impromptu nap session, princess._

He smiled and took the datapad gently from her. It flickered out of sleep mode.

**3,074 Unread Messages**. A scrolling feed gave him the senate votes on today's bills at the top and her name remained still at the bottom. 

_No wonder she fell asleep._

He clicked the device off and turned it over to look at the shell.

It was very beat up, bearing a few scratched up rebel star-bird stickers, her name carved into the backing, and a small... heart?

He looked more closely. Sure enough, it was a tiny heart carved right into the shell. It was a tiny heart with tiny aurebesh letters inside. Initials. 

Both of their initials, to be precise. 

He blushed, having never noticed it before. It was obviously as old as the rest of the stickers and carved things, meaning she had added it no later than Hoth.

_"You're imagining things..."_

He smiled, placing it on the side table. He picked up the holocubes and did the same.

That left only Leia on the floor, tummy down and snoring. Han's heart fluttered at the sight; the tension in his body melted away.

Her long amethystine dress was twisted up to knee length revealing the transparent black silk tights underneath. Her hair was in an elaborate bun atop her head. 

She was so adorable to him that he halfway considered tightly hugging her until content. 

He decided against that for many reasons, the main one being the way she could kick when startled. 

She rolled over, still asleep. Her face had an imprint from the rug and some of her loose hair was stuck to it.

Han straddled her and leaned into her face. He softly whispered her name.

She groaned and covered her face with her arms, pulling some of the hair away. 

"Haaaan-"

He mocked her. "Leeeeeia!"

"I hate being woken up." She opened her eyes and let them adjust. Han was staring right at her.

"Does this make it any better?" He began kissing her neck, running lines up to her mouth. 

She smiled and snuggled back down into the rug, just for a moment. 

"Not now, hotshot."

Han stood up and waited for her to do the same, but she remained on the floor.

She leaned her back against the wall, seemingly lost in thought. 

He watched her dark eyes twinkle in the sunset. He wondered what she was thinking of. Was it about him? Their home? Luke? The baby? 

He thought about her and their child constantly.

He suddenly noticed how exhausted she looked. Disheveled. Sick. Did she need help up?

"Leia, do you need some help up?" 

"Thanks, but I think I remember how to stand up." She said.

"That's not what I meant, I jus-"

"I know what you meant," she responded. "I can read your thoughts." 

She stood up and walked to him, hugging him gently. Her head rested on his chest.

Her mind was suddenly filled with his thoughts. Or rather, his nightmares.

"Don't start doing this." She leaned away and locked eyes with him. "I mean it, Han." 

He shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "I-"

"None of this. I am serious. Try to focus on the positives." She concentrated and Han watched as a single holocube flew to her hand. 

"I feel like shit right now. I am going to try to eat something. In the meantime, this is for you." 

She handed it over and left him alone in the living room. 

********

Han sat on the couch, fiddling with the cube. His heart pounded in his chest.

_What could this be? Why did she leave me alone to look at it?_

It unexpectedly opened. 

At first, the only thing he could make out was Leia's full name at the top. As a matter of fact, that seemed to be the only legible thing on the whole holo. 

He heard their bedroom door close as Leia left for a nap.

He grumbled. Why had she given him a blank cube? What a cruel trick. Just a black and white fuzzy mess of-

_Wait... it isn't blank! It is an ultrasound!_

He smiled. It was the first one he had ever seen! She had never let the doctor even take one, to his knowledge. 

None of it made any sense to him. Like a blob of something or other...

Creepy, almost. 

She literally was growing his child. 

_No wonder she always looks so tired._


	3. Bounty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay... major changes of the plot required a complete rewrite. Not to worry, I will always continue posting. I write every single night, the problem is, with my mental illnesses I edit _way_ too much.

**One Week Later**

Leia sat straight up in bed. Something was off. She could sense an unfamiliar being. One that had ill intent. 

Han sat up a few moments later as he heard the faint beep of an accepted palmprint reading. 

With only the two of them having access to this apartment via the lock, it was a bit of a shock. Leia threw the blankets off of her and sighed. 

Han grabbed her arm as she went to stand up.

"Leia- what do you think you are doing?!"  
He pulled her back down to the bed. "I am not letting you go out there."

She stared at him, her eyes finally adjusting and clearing. 

"Why the hell not, Han? Think I can't handle it?" She wildly gestured with her arms.

He sighed and grumbled. "You. You obviously can handle it, I would prefer you not at this moment. You damn well know why." 

He jumped off the bed and made a dash for the door. 

"Han- wait!"

He ran out and she followed him without looking, causing her to trip on discarded bedsheets from the week before. The door clicked shut.

_Are you fucking kidding me, Han? Couldn't even pick up the sheets?_

It took her a moment to regain her breath as she untangled the fitted sheet from her ankle.

She pulled herself up and flung open the door, upset about the sheets more than anything. 

"HAN SOLO I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS-" 

She stopped speaking as she suddenly remembered why he had ran out there in the first place. 

_Ah, yeah._

Han was dangling in midair, suffocating. He was kicking violently to no avail.

A force-sensitive man was standing a few feet from him. Far from his reach. 

_How dare... that is my Han! He can't just kill him!_

Leia darted at the man, hoping to tackle him and throw him off long enough for Han to get away. Something suddenly froze her in her spot. 

_Oh no._

The man let Han's airway open as he turned his attention fully to her. She heard Han stumble to the floor, most likely unconscious or completely exhausted. 

The intruder wandered over to her. A grin formed on his face. 

_What a pervert! How dare he hold me against my will and stare me up and down, especially while I am in a nightgown._

_He must be a bounty hunter. Snoke put a bounty out on us?_

"How are you doing today, princess?" He lifted her chin up. She was made increasingly uncomfortable by the stares and pokes as he examined her as if she were some sort of lab animal. 

The man started laughing, realizing what Snoke wanted her dead for. He looked at Han, and back at Leia. 

"With this guy? Really? This is gold!" 

_At least I can get laid, you fucking piece of bantha shit._

She wanted to let this man have a piece of her mind, but she couldn't speak. The force hold was too strong. 

Han sat up in the background, his body weak and voice hoarse. He tried to stand up and steady himself, to no avail.

"Leave her alone or I'll-"

"You'll what?" The man never turned away from Leia, now watching the morning light reflect in her dark eyes. 

"Pretty boy over there is quite the piss baby. What is this? A middle school love novel?"

_Well, I can't see him, but I know he hated that remark. If we live, I'll use it as my own._

The man continued staring at her. He was going to enjoy this. This was royalty. A traitor. A rebel. A murderer.

"It's such a shame," the man said. "What a waste of a pretty face..."

He pulled out a knife and held it to her throat. 

_Woah, this bounty is for me **dead?**_

Han screamed, his voice cracked. "Hey! Leave her alone! What the fuck is wrong with you, she's obviously not in a condition to-"

Han finally steadied himself and ran over, knocking the knife from his hand. 

"If that's how this is going to be..." The man said, as he quickly changed plans and launched Leia backwards.

A trail of crimson almost instantly formed, a clear indicator of exactly where she had slid down the living room wall. 

"LEIA!" 

Her vision was blurry. What had happened? One moment, she was being held still, the next, she was on the floor in a bloody heap. 

_Wait... blood? No, please don't-_

She touched the back of her head and felt something warm and liquid. 

_It's just my head. Only my head is bleeding. Thank gods..._

She rubbed her fingers together, utterly confused. Everything came in and out of focus. She stood up slowly, grabbing the sturdy parts of the wall. 

"Han? Where are you?" She stumbled around and slurred. 

"Leia!? Sit down! STAY SEATED!" He grabbed her and tried to sit her down. Instead, she held onto his chest. She felt sick, and the moving was making it worse. 

That being said, she was too terrified to let go of him. If she was going to die right now, it had better be in the arms of someone who loved her. 

"Please don't, Han. Please don't!" Her words were still extremely slurred. 

"Sweetheart, let go. I will be right here. I won't leave you, I just need to kill someone really quick." He whispered and kissed the top of her head. 

She slowly laid on the floor, delirious. She now wished she was still able to lay face-down. 

_Okay, I hope she stays down on the floor._

Han smashed a lamp over the man's head, causing him to stumble and trip. He then stole a blaster from the man's belt and shot him right in the chest without hesitation. 

He ran over to Leia and quickly knelt beside her. She had her face smooshed sideways into a puddle of her own blood and was running her hand through it, laughing. 

"Leia, you have to get medical care." He whispered and gently attempted to persuade her to stand. She didn't respond. He heard the pap-pap-pap of an open palm splashing in the bloody puddles.

Then, nothing.


	4. Snuggles

**Later that Day**

He kicked his shoes off and snuggled into the small electric bed beside her, avoiding the many wires protruding from under her gown. The air was still and the room was silent, lest the heart monitor's quiet and rhythmic beeps. 

_I'm so sorry about all of this, Leia._

He ran his hand through the remainder of her hair, carefully avoiding the staples. 

********

_That was the nicest rest I have had in a long time._

She opened her eyes and let them adjust, noticing her unfamiliar, yet recognizable, surroundings. 

"Han?" 

He stirred awake beside her, confused for a moment while he ran through his memories, placing exactly why he was where he currently was. 

"Leia!" 

He scooted up even to her head. 

"You are okay, I am okay, and the baby is okay." He caressed her cheek. "You have staples on the back of your head. You are missing some hair. You lost a lot of blood, but they replaced it."

"I hope to gods they replaced it with more blood." She smiled. "I am not anxious, Han, I know I am fine. You seem to be more worried that I am." 

"Are you always such a smartass?" He said, whispering as to not disturb any other patients. "You didn't have to see how much blood you lost, or how close you were to death." 

She sat up and got a good look at him. His face was tired, bruising ran around his neck and collarbone. 

"Are you okay, Han?" 

She hovered above the bruising as not to hurt him. Luke had mentioned being able to take on someone else's pain for them, if you focused. 

"Leia!"

She jumped a bit and felt all the pain leave her and return to Han. 

"What in the hells was that?" 

"I was taking your pain away. Luke taught me how, and I-"

She stopped talking as the sounds of emergency personnel echoed down the hall. 

"Leia, you-" he sighed. "I can take pain killers. You don't have to worry about the little bruising on my body." 

********

The apartment lacked life force in her absence. Too quiet, too clean, too... _pure_. 

He had taken the alone time to rid the place of blood and broken drywall, leaving nothing but an unpainted patch to remember the previous day. 

The apartment was clean. Organized. 

After wandering back and forth between the Falcon and the apartment for hours, he decided that he needed to talk about what had happened with someone.

Luke. 

He called him and waited to see him appear. 

"Han, what have you done with Leia? I can tell something is off." 

The blue version of his brother-in-law flickered slightly on the holo. 

"Not even a 'hello?' or anything, kid?"

Han shifted uncomfortably on the couch.

"Nope. Where is my sister?" 

Luke sat down cross-legged on a floor Han did not recognize. He waited patiently for a response. 

Han sighed. "She is in the hospital."

Luke went pale. 

"Is she going to be okay?! Han! What happened?" 

He explained everything that had happened in the past few months. He told him that she was going to be okay. He told him about the baby. Luke sat in silence for a moment.

"I already knew most of that. Nobody had to tell me about the baby, Leia is actually easy to read. It is all she has been worrying about for a couple of months now and every single time I meditate I can sense it." 

He waited for Han, but he never responded. 

"And Han, she can handle whatever they throw at her. I wouldn't worry."

( ** _BONUS FIC THREE: TO LEIA, WITH LOVE_** _fits into the storyline here!_ )

********

The hospital bored Leia. The holo played only children's channels, the food was comparable to rebel rations, and not a single droid let her do things alone. 

Her multiple wristbands all had code meanings, as she soon realized. 

Attempts to remove them had resulted in her getting them moved to her ankles, where despite her best efforts, she was unable to reach due to her swollen abdomen. 

"Mistress Organa, please leave the medical bands alone. They are important to your safety." The Emdee beeped and checked her vitals. 

"I don't understand why. I am an adult, I think I can handle walking to the refresher alone." 

"You are still unsteady on your feet. We cannot risk a fall. How upset would your partner be?" The droid continued checking the machines. 

"He wouldn't care." She sighed, knowing it was a lie. 

The droid listened. "He does care. He visits every evening while you nap. He is the one who told us where to move the bands so you couldn't reach them." 

Leia blushed and looked at her ankles. It was his fault she couldn't reach there anymore. 

_Han, you asshole._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so begins my week-long hiatus! It is beach time, people!


	5. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia returns from the hospital eariler than expected.

**Five Days Later**

Leia was released under very specific directions, some of which she had already been given before the accident. 

**One:** No heavy lifting. This she already knew, and had been following it to a great extent. Only a few occasions had she broken this direction, never without good reason. 

**Two:** Keep the stapled area clean and free from shampoos, soaps, oils, and other items that could impede and slow healing or cause infection. A new direction, and was doable. 

**Three:** Rest. This she could not agree to. There was work to be done; An entire government to be set up.

There was absolutely no way she could leave it to the rest of them. 

She carried her bloodied pajamas, some medications, and her release forms. The fabric bag containing them papped softly against her pants as she strolled down the hallway. 

Most everyone stole a look at her, but it didn't bother her in the least. She was just happy about being home. The tabloids could write what they wanted. 

The people she cared about would know the truth, anyway.

_This is so exciting! Going home early! Sleeping in my own bed! Going to the refresher alone!_

She palmed the lock and the door opened, a gentle whoosh to greet her back into her world. 

_Home._

Giddy with anticipation, she snuck up behind Han and grabbed him tightly, dropping the bag as she did. He jumped, before realizing who it was. 

He pulled her arms off of him and turned to face her, a smile wide on his face. 

He held her at arms length for a moment, unable to move. He could hear nothing except for their seemingly combined breaths, singing in his mind. 

_Leia..._

Her cheeks were rosy, her eyes were twinkling. 

He finally regained enough composure to speak. 

"Leia..."

He pulled her close and they embraced in silence, enjoying each other's warmth and company. 

She gently nestled into his jacket, the same one he had always had. The familiar scent and texture relaxed her. 

She felt something odd stir in her. 

They fell away and Leia noticed something different about the apartment. 

"Han, what in the worlds have you done to the wall? We didn't really need to remodel." She said. 

This was, indeed, mostly sarcastic. She knew that it was absolutely needed, even if she didn't enjoy the change in scenery. 

"Well, you left quite the impression on that wall. Any more of your blood and it would've looked like we purposely painted with it." He responded, eyeing the wall for himself.

It did look rather trashy, although he couldn't help that. He hadn't had the time to fully repair it. 

"That blood might've deterred further attacks," She said. "Think ahead, Han! I hope you left the blood on the door!" 

_Yes, Princess, the blood from months ago is still on the door..._

Han rolled his eyes, already wishing he would have just left the gaping, bloody hole in the wall just so she could have seen how bad it actually was. 

"Leia, we can leave the next thing of blood, okay?" Han grabbed her and gave her a quick kiss before hugging her tightly once more. "I missed you, Princess."

She leaned into the embrace, sighing with relief. It was wonderful to be back. It was wonderful to love. It was wonderful to be loved. 

She felt the stir again. Something physical. It happened the moment she relaxed into his arms. Not all that uncomfortable, just... _different._

She leaned up and kissed him, testing her theory. 

It happened again. 

She stared off into the distance, trying to comprehend it. 

"Leia? You in there?" He tapped on her shoulder and she looked up. 

"What?" 

"What's wrong?" He asked. 

"Nothing is wrong." She responded.

She took hold of his hands and placed them on her abdomen. She then kissed him, albeit rather awkwardly with the height difference, as she couldn't tip-toe very well with him like this.

It happened again. 

"Woah. That is freaky!" 

Leia laughed. "Yeah, it is. But it also means our child is fine, and seems to enjoy is together!" 

"Who doesn't?"

Leia hugged him and told him that she would be back out after a shower. 

She had to wash the hospital feeling off of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I am writing every single day, I just....


	6. Broken Exterior

**No Time Has Passed**

_What is he doing? Gods, I hope he hasn't turned into one of those paranoid nurses._

Han watched as she undressed and threw her clothing to the floor, some of it clinging gently to the bump as she pulled it over her head. 

This was the first time he had seen her injuries from the bounty hunter up close and cleaned. He tensed up at the sight. 

He took a long look at the wounds, realizing how hard it was to see the largest of the injuries, the gash on her head. 

Leia had strategically braided her hair in such a way that nobody would see the injury unless they knew what to look for. 

_Impressive, perfect hair even when a large amount of it was cut out._

Leia began undoing the loosely coiled braids, placing the pins and holders on the vanity as she moved along. 

The metal of the pins gently clicked against the glossy white stone, echoing in a pleasant way. She smiled as the clicks became perfectly timed. 

Han watched in silent horror as she worked around the staples. To think she was just humming and moving along like nothing had happened-

It made his stomach churn. 

Leia turned around, pulling the last pin out. 

"Hey, Han-"

She stopped mid sentence. He was crying, quietly to himself. 

_What? What happened?!_

She plopped down beside him on the rug, avoiding the cold floor. 

"What's wrong, Han? Are you hurt?!" 

She began frantically searching his body for injury, checking for blood, burns, or bruises. 

Nothing. 

"I'm sorry, Leia." Han said, still quietly crying. 

His head dropped to his knees.

"Sorry? For what?" She felt the anxiety building in her, even before she fully finished her sentence.

What could he be talking about? What had he done while she was gone? What if someone died? Does he want a divorce?

"I let you get hurt." He responded, barely audible. 

She sat in confusion, thinking through all of the possible meanings for his response.

The vent fan whirred in the background, a welcome noise in the newfound silence. 

She finally got the guts to ask for clarification, in the hopes that she had misconstrued his meaning.

"I'm sorry, what are you talking about?" 

She didn't want for him to be saying that he wanted out of this relationship. That was the only logical reason that she could be hurt by him. 

She became fidgety awaiting his response. 

"The staples, Leia." He said, as if he had been clear the whole time. 

She ceased rubbing the stubble on her legs and relaxed just a bit. He wasn't breaking up with her.

"You didn't do that, Han." She responded. "Why do you think you did?"

He lifted his head and stared at her.

"You-"

Leia sighed, already knowing what he was going to say. The same thing he always said when he tilted his head in a puppy-dog-like fashion. 

_"You got hurt protecting me, Leia. Don't do that, Leia. Don't you know you need to be careful?"_

"I knew I was going to get hurt, but I wasn't about to leave you out there to die, Han. I am an adult. I was aware of the possible consequences." 

It didn't seem to change his mind.

She wiped his tears away before dragging her hand through his scruffy hair. 

"You can't keep blaming yourself for my injuries. I don't blame myself for yours."

_Most of the time..._

She slowly stood up and stretched. 

"I am going to bathe. If you still feel bad after, we can talk it over."

He listened to the water and was terrified that she was in harm's way somehow. Luke's call had done little to ease his worry. It was easy for him to say that she was fine! He didn't see her all the time!

He heard the snap of an opening shampoo bottle. Unable to see her through the now hazy air, he panicked. 

"Are you sure you are okay, Leia?"

_My gods, I can bathe alone, I have been doing so for quite a long time._

"Yes, I am fine. You really don't have to stay in here. I'll finish bathing and meet you on the bed, okay?" She responded.

"If you are sure, Leia." He said. 

"Yes, I am sure." 

"But-"

"Han, with all due respect, get the fuck out of here." She said before shooing him out. 

********

"Would you like to talk it over, hotshot?" She asked, climbing into bed.

"I am just very worried about you, Leia. You have an awful habit of almost dying." 

Leia rolled over and snuggled up against him, rubbing her head against his shirt until she felt comfortable. He could feel her trembling. No- not trembling. Laughing.

She was laughing! Laughing at her own almost-demise! 

"It's not funny, Leia!" He tried to scold her, but it ended up sounding more like he was defending his own feelings. 

"Han, I'm sorry. I know you, for some reason, have formed an attachment to me." 

She was still grinning way too wide. 

"We are married, of course I have 'formed an attachment' to you!" He was getting frustrated. 

"My point is, I am fine, Han. Look at me. Fine." 

She jumped off the bed and left the room, yelling that she would return in a minute.

_Not that damn box of markers again, Leia._

"I am not dead. To prove it, you can color on me. I am warm and breathing and my heart is beating." 

He stared at her. 

"Go ahead, Han. The markers won't hurt me any." 

She began reading from the box.

"Non-toxic. Washable." She dropped it to her side, causing many markers to fall out of the package.

He gently pulled her shirt up to reveal his canvas.

At first, he was hesitant. He felt as if even a touch would harm her. Slowly, this faded away. 

He covered her abdomen in hundreds of small hearts, admiring the bump.

It was so warm, so calming. It made him feel fuzzy inside.

He would do anything to protect them.

_I love you, Leia. You make me the happiest ex-smuggler in the galaxy._

He waited for a vocal response, knowing that Leia normally listened to his thoughts while spending cuddly time with him.

_No response, Princess? Not listening today?_

She never answered. 

Han was actually a bit upset that she wasn't listening to his thoughts, having gotten used to it. He put the cap back on the marker. 

"Okay, Leia! All done!" He looked up at Leia, who was asleep already. 

"That's why you weren't answering..."

He pulled her shirt down and put the markers on the nightstand before giving her a kiss on the forehead and going to sleep himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow but steady means I will eventually get all of this posted!


	7. Journal Entries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia's POV (whole chapter).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for this entire chapter- This is practically a diary of a mental health crisis of my own. 
> 
> I have OCD, GAD, ADHD, and a handful of other mental illnesses and disorders, so this was not written by a neurotypical. Don't come at me with that shit. If you don't agree with my description of this, our brains are just different. You have your breakdowns, I have mine.

**Over the Next Week**

**Day One**

_To Whomever Stumbles Upon my Letters,_

I cannot hold this pain inside any longer. I cannot act as if I haven't a care in the world. 

Let it be known that:

I, Leia Organa, am _terrified_. I know my last injury will have left permanent damage. Nobody is supposed to live through that much blood loss and blunt force trauma, especially as easily as I seem to have. I didn't even lose the baby. 

Someone must have it out for me. Someone is keeping me alive for this child. But that doesn't matter. Why, you ask?

I am going to die soon. I just know it. And to that I say "so be it". 

I have only one wish:

I wish I would die now.

The waiting is painful. 

I want to be awake when I die, so that way I know that it actually happened and that I am not just hallucinating again. 

I sometimes feel as if my whole life has been a figment of my imagination and that I am actually in a coma. I smell bacta randomly, hear voices, feel things. I automatically assume it means that I am in a medical facility. 

I hate days like that. I hate myself for causing days like that.

I have brought shame to my small family. They will soon learn of my uselessness. 

I want to be left for dead.

**Day Two**

_To Whom it May Concern,_

As you may be able to tell, I still haven't died. Why is this taking so long? Is death always this long? I wish there was a neat little pamphlet about this so I would know about how much longer it will take. 

I have been staring at the ceiling for a while now, the little webs gently waving in the air flow. I wonder if spiders get like this sometimes? Do they look at us when they are dying? Wrapped in our blankets? Thinking about how they shouldn't be mothers or wives or alive at all?

I don't know how long I have been rolled up in my blankets. Hours? Days?

Han has come and gone a couple times, but I am unsure if that means it is a different day. It is kinda hazy.

Maybe he just needed some naps. 

Occasionally, he will try to start conversation. The only problem is this: I cannot comprehend a fucking word he is saying. I look at him sleepily in the hopes he will attribute my non-response as me being too tired to answer. It is easy to act sleepy when you can't sleep. 

I just want to die... Or at least be numb to these terrifying and overwhelming feelings for a few hours...

It is too much to even cry. 

Please, let me be. 

I'm feeling everything, yet nothing at all.

How can the galaxy be so cruel? 

**Day Three**

Okay, I cannot take this any longer. There's only one logical explanation: 

This is hell. I have died and gone straight to hell. Perhaps, I have been dead this whole time since the accident. Doomed to be eternally pregnant and completely and utterly _insane_. 

My chest feels as if it has exploded, bits of shrapnel lodged in my lungs. 

My spirit must be confused. Spirits aren't supposed to stay with your worldly body. 

I must be trapped.

Why can't anyone hear my screaming? Am I actually screaming?

Everything is too slow... or is it too fast? 

Hazy, blurry, nonsensical. 

How long have I been in this nightmare? 

It is your fault, Leia. You caused this. You are the reason you suffer. 

It is your fault your family is dead, Leia. You could have just killed yourself in that cell. Let yourself die. Then there would have been no reason to blow up the planet, right? 

All of those Alderaanians would still be alive and you would be dead, win-win. 

You wouldn't have forced Han to quit what he loved. He would have found you dead in the cell and moved the fuck on. 

Why did you trick him into marrying you? Why did you let yourself get pregnant? 

Do you really think he cares for you? For this kid? No. 

He loves flying and you keep him from it. He wants freedom. Not some stupid wife. 

You are a waste of resources. 

End it.

**Day Four**

I can feel my cells being replaced with rocks. How am I alive? Why does nobody see or feel these rocks? They are filling my lungs, heavy and taking up space for oxygen. 

That explains my lightheadedness. I cannot feel, everything is floating and light, a hazy reflection of a reality I assume still exists far beyond my reaches. 

My mouth tingles, suffocating. 

Why can't I leave myself alone for a while? 

I just want to sleep. Please, let me sleep. Leia, go to sleep. Leia, please let me sleep. 

I can hear the beings on other planets. They are talking about me. Is that why I am awake? 

What do they want from me? I have nothing. Nothing of value, anyway. An old necklace. Some markers. A folding table. Bantha Pajamas. 

No. Mark the necklace. I gave that to Nein. My pajamas don't even fit me because I was irresponsible and ruined Han's life. I ruin everyone's life. 

Why does he even act like he loves me? 

These beings on the other planets don't understand! 

I have no credits. If I had, wouldn't I help the New Republic? 

Most of my credits were destroyed on Alderaan. The rest I had were used up on rebellion help, buying that house, getting the remaining Alderaanians some place to call their own. 

Sure, it was parts of that horrid Death Star, but still. I did my best. 

The rest is just people giving me things, thinking I have great power and money. 

Not anymore. I'm a fake.

**Day Five**

It is now clear to me that I am the guardian of the apartment complex. That's why I can't sleep! I have to make sure nobody dies! If I sleep, they will die! The building will burn! The planet may be vaporized! 

The second anything feels out of place, I am prepared to alert and help the living beings in this place! 

I think I have been up for at least a few days, but I can't keep track of time very well right now. Nothing matters except me doing my job. My very important job of keeping people alive.

**Day Six**

I am the only being in this entire galaxy who has this power. Nobody else seems to care. They sleep as if they are immortal. Nobody is immortal. Well, I am sure some beings are. But not us. Humans are not immortal and I have to protect them. 

I am the only one who can make sure everyone lives. This is why I may never sleep again. It is why I am not dead. It is why I lived through the war. 

Alderaan is dead. I am bad. I fell asleep in that cell once and my entire family died. That is why I can never sleep again. Han and Luke will die soon and so will everyone else and it will be my fault. Every bad thing that happens is my fault. 

How am I to know if I am the one who caused someone on another planet to die? Did I steal them from their loved ones? Lovers? Children? Friends? This burden is too much for one person to handle.

I deserve this pain. 

This sharp, sudden pain that runs up my chest every few minutes. 

**Day Seven**

The rocks have returned. I must have fallen asleep at some point. This is my punishment. Leia cannot move. She is filled with bad rocks. They will kill her if she moves, slowly take over her full body. Cause her heart to stop, cause her lungs to collapse, cause her to suffocate and die. 

Leia is a bad person. She tricked her husband into marrying her. Leia is a bad person. She killed her family. Leia is a bad person. She blew up her home planet. Leia is a bad person. She wants to die. She cannot handle the burden any longer. Nobody hears her. Nobody understands. Nobody cares.

She wants her family back. To hug, to hold, to share drinks with. To sing her lullabies and comfort her. 

She wants her planet back, to be sitting in the gentle breeze surrounded by trees and flowers. To never have to see a moon again. To completely dissolve into the soft grass of her childhood field, never to be found again. 

Please let Leia die. Please let me die.

With the remainder of my love and hope,

Leia Organa-Solo


	8. A Helping Han

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha I made the chapter title a fuckin' pun omfg

**Later that Day**

He closed the apartment door and scanned the room. 

_No Leia. Again._

He sighed, a full week of Leia's sudden... disinterest? 

No responses or conversations. At all. No greeting him in the living room, meeting him for lunch, or talking about Luke. 

He was beginning to miss his normally mouthy wife. 

_She said she was okay, right? She should be able to walk and stuff, the injury hasn't done anything lasting to that. Have I upset her?_

It couldn't be that, she was not one to give the silent treatment. 

Han walked into the bedroom and found her napping exactly where she was that morning. And the morning before. And so on. 

This had to end. It was not healthy. Not normal Leia. 

"Have you been eating as much as you should, Leia?" Han asked, laying down beside her on the bed. No answer.

"Have you been walking and getting fresh air, Leia?" Leia rolled away from him, her shirt coming up a bit. Her eyes were unfocused.

_What is he talking about? I am watching over the complex? He is interfering with my work. I don't have time for that stuff. This is an all day job. If I stop, beings will die. He is going to make me accidentally kill someone!_

He looked at her oily hair and the marker drawings, barely faded. Ink rubs covered the inner part of her shirt. 

"LEIA ORGANA HAVE YOU LITERALLY BEEN IN THIS BED FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT?!?"

_What was she thinking! Oh my Gods! Is she waiting to starve or something? She's going to kill herself like this! She- she just- what do I even do about this?_

She covered her face with a pillow and screamed instead of speaking, a hoarse cry began echoing through the brightly lit room. 

_He's interfered! Someone is dying because of me!_

Han laid back down beside her and hugged her. 

She pushed him away, not wanting any part of being touched at the moment. 

"Leia, I am sorry I raised my voice. I am just really worried about you." 

Leia was crying hard enough to get hiccups. She couldn't have cared less about the raised voice. She cared about the millions of lives she was potentially ending at that very moment. 

_I upset Han, I deserve to die. I have failed my job. Everyone who dies today dies because of me. I let Han distract me. He needs to let me die._

She couldn't find it in her to even take the pillow off of her face. Not a drop of energy was left in her. 

"Leia, you cannot go on like this. You have to tell me what is going on." 

He lifted the pillow. 

She continued crying, her face splotched. She stopped only to breathe, chest contracting violently. 

He wanted nothing more than to hold her and make it all better, but he knew from earlier that she had no desire to be touched at the moment. 

********

He walked out to the living room to make some calls. Someone had to know what was wrong. Someone could make it better. Who knew more about Leia than her brother? 

"What's up, Han?" Luke said, a big smile on his face. 

The blue holo flickered. 

"Nothing much, kid." 

He began anxiously rubbing his bloodstripes, not really wanting to admit he couldn't solve his own problem. 

"Han, what is going on? You seem rather upset. I-"

Leia decided to help from her napping spot, sparing Han his pride. 

Han watched as Luke froze in his place, tears silently falling. Deep, excruciating pain radiated through him for a moment, leaving him a bit dazed. 

He then begin to speak again. This time, no sweet talk. 

"Han, Leia is ill. Extremely ill." 

Han began to panic, begging Luke to help him save her, to come to Chandrila, use some Jedi nonsense and fix her. 

"I can't do that, Han. It isn't a physical illness. You know she is mentally ill. Something has sent her into a crisis. Check her medications, her environment, recent events, and so forth. Just take care of her until it gets better or send for professional help if it worsens."

Han wiped a few stray tears away. 

"Thanks, kid. I'll call you later."

********

The next call was voice-only. He was transferred to her doctor's comm after cussing out quite a few poor secretaries. 

"Yes, can you explain what is going on with Leia Organa-Solo? She hasn't moved in a week. What did you do? She is miserable." Han whispered, angry at the person who, in his mind, hurt his wife. 

He heard clicking and a sigh as the doctor accessed her files on a datapad. 

"According to her files, she's stopped her medications." Her doctor explained. "Not under my jurisdiction, sir. Must have been a different doctor." 

Han threw the comm at the wall in the living room, before collapsing onto the couch.

It rolled in a small semi-circle on the floor before coming to a stop. 

_Why? Leia, why?_

He thought back at all the warning signs he missed; her jumpiness, impulsivity, fidgeting, and so much more. 

Was this his fault? Had he made her uncomfortable with her illness in some way? Made her feel bad for taking medications? 

_No. I don't think this is my fault._

A thought crossed his mind. Had she done this to herself? Only one way to know for sure. 

He walked back into the room quietly, Leia napping once again on the bed.

_Good. He fell for it. He always assumes me asleep when I keep my eyes closed. I cannot let anyone die today._

He walked into the refresher, looking around for little signs of Leia's smuggling. 

He noticed a slight chip out of one of the drop ceiling's many tiles, the type of accidental marking that tends to be left from repeated scooting of the tile over the metal grid. 

_Leia... why..._

He moved the ceiling tile and a blue plastic bottle fell to the floor, rattling loudly. 

He stared for a moment at the rocking bottle, upset that it had come to this. 

Leia's heart beat fast. She had heard the bottle fall. The gig was up. 

_Shit. He's found my pills. He knows. Someone told him. Stupid Leia. You shouldn't have listed him as someone who can get your medical history at the doctor's office._

He dumped out the contents on the counter. A dull rainbow of pills formed before him, standing out only slightly from the white stone. 

Hundreds. Of. Pills.

She had actually still been getting the prescription filled. That meant that her therapist didn't know she wasn't taking them.

He brushed his hair back, thinking of what he could possibly do now. 

_She has to take them. I'll hide them in her food or something-no, that's immoral. I'll have to convince her that she still needs them and that it is not her fault._

********

"Leia, sweetheart, I brought you a snack." He whispered and sat beside her on the bed. 

She rolled over and stared at his offering. Some fruit, some juice, and _three pills._

"No." She responded, curling back into a roll. 

"Leia, it's not your fault you have mental illnesses-"

"I know that, Han. That is not what I meant when I said no." 

"Leia-"

"Han, I can't take my pills." She said, without looking at him. 

"Leia, you really need to. You are suffering."

Not getting through to him without spelling it out, she further explained what she meant. 

"I cannot take those pills, Han. I need them. I need them _extremely bad_. People can't take them while pregnant."

Han put the plate of fruit, juice, and pills down on the night stand. 

"Leia, are you sure you want to go through with this? I understand if you can't."

She shook her head yes.

Han sighed. 

"I won't be leaving you in bed like this. Come on, let's get you cleaned up."


	9. Fog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia is in a bad place and Han does his best to help!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may be triggering for people who have mental illnesses, as it is quite descriptive of the feelings one has during a mental health crisis. 
> 
> That being said, all of her feelings, reactions, and Han's reactions are taken from actual experience and how my family reacted to my mental health stuff and how I wished it would go.

**No Time Has Passed**

Leia slowly followed him to the refresher, absolutely silent. 

Han noticed that something seemed... off about her. It wasn't like the other depressive episodes, but he couldn't quite figure out in what way it differed. 

It had to center around the fact that her mind seemed elsewhere completely. 

Normally, it was a pity party or a complete lack of will to live, but this seemed to be neither. 

_Not that either of those would be any better..._

She held out her hand and took a long look at it. Her pale skin was ragged around her nails, torn apart by anxious chewing. She clinched her fists gently. 

_Woah..._

She looked up and realized she was no longer in the bedroom. 

_Refresher? Why am I-_

He wanted her to bathe. Or was it her idea?

 _NO. BATH. NO._

The panic hit her. The bath could distract her from her job. She had to warn him of the repercussions, and fast. She thought of a logical and calm way to say this. 

Then her mouth did the opposite as an overwhelming wave of anxiety poured over her. 

"NO! HAN, NO! I HAVE TO MAKE SURE NOBODY DIES PLEASE NO BATH NO-" 

She began echoing herself, becoming more and more incoherent with each repetition. 

"Sweetheart-"

He waited for her to putter out before speaking again.

"Sweetheart, You don't have to bathe if you don't want to. I just want you to feel better. I won't let anyone die if you want to bathe." He said. 

_Is this the right thing to do?_

"Do you promise?" She asked.

"Of course. Do you want me to help, or leave you in here alone?"

She plopped down on the tiled shower floor and stared at the wall past his shoulders trying to center herself.

A wave of dizziness hit her again, she knew it was from sitting down too quickly. 

_Please. Let me focus._

"Sweetheart?" 

She didn't respond. Just swayed slightly.

 _Please? Any focus at all? I want to be here._

Knowing the focus and steady feeling she so desperately wanted was out of reach, she began tearing up. 

Would it ever return or was she doomed to live out the rest of her days in this nauseating haze?

"Please help me. I am scared."

The majority of it was stuttered, her eyes closed, tears rolling down her cheeks. 

She began to panic, waves of dizziness causing her to fear for her life. She hated her mouth going numb. How every breath felt like the last, how she was sure her heart was no longer beating. This time next week she would surely be but a pile of ashes! 

_Stopstopstopstop please let me be i am not ready to die..._

Han quickly crawled into the shower and pulled her onto his lap, cradling her head against his chest.

"Leia, I won't let anything bad happen to you. I am here."

 _Why does it matter if you are here?!? I am dying regardless!_

She did not want to be held. Her heart was dead. How was she still breathing? 

After a while, she decided she was okay with dying. The panic lessened as she started to cry, mourning herself and all than could have been. 

Sensing a turn of events, Han sang a Corellian lullaby to her softly, repeating verses as needed. He wasn't sure exactly why she had gone from extreme rigid panic to slumped over and sobbing, but he thought singing would help. 

He did this until the trembling stopped. She sighed and relaxed, practically flopping over out of his grip.

He decided to ask her about the shower again. He wasn't going to push it if she said no or didn't respond this time. 

"Would you like to bathe now?"

She nodded. 

"Do you want help or to be alone?" He asked. 

"Help, please." 

He slipped her gown off but stayed in his clothing, letting her sit up in front of him. 

He washed her hair and her body, removing the marker drawings.

"Leia, tell me if you need me to stop."

She seemed to be right back in a daze, not even flinching when the hose rattled against the walls.

 _Is he saying something? Is everyone okay? I should have been watching instead of being in this shower. I am truly failing._

Something clicked in her head as she caught a glimpse of herself in the glass of the shower door. Reality rushed back in at a pace most unpleasant. 

She began to panic again, and tried to calm her breathing to prevent an attack.

_How long have I been pregnant? I don't remember this. Am I married to Han? Ow, why does my head hurt so bad when the soap hits it? Why am I sitting on the shower floor? Han's clothing is soaked. He's not supposed to wear clothing in the shower. He is old enough to know that._

Han stopped rinsing her off and held her against him again.

"It is okay, Leia. I am here. Nothing can harm you. Everyone is fine."

He cradled her as she began to cry, utterly confused as to how she had gotten to where she was now. 

As she calmed down, he began to finish up bathing her.

He relooked at her hair, remembering the stitches. Some hair had become stuck and he removed it carefully. He rewashed her hair.

He rinsed her hair out with the water almost off, not wanting to disturb the injury any further. 

"Okay, sweetheart, I am going to help you up."

He stood her up and handed her a towel, leaving the refresher for a moment. Not sure how 'with it' she was, he decided to state everything he was doing and everything she needed to do as well. 

"Okay, now sit on this chair after you dry off and wrap yourself up." 

_Simple enough, I can handle that._

He came back in with soft, clean clothing and ear plugs. He figured her senses were overloaded enough and didn't need the extra noise of the dryer.

"Put these ear plugs in, I am going to turn on the hair dryer for you to sit under while I change the sheets and clean our room." 

********

Han first changed into dry clothing.

He then stripped the bed of everything, replacing all the sheets, pillowcases, and blankets with clean, fresh, versions of themselves. 

He wandered back into the bathroom. 

"Okay, Leia. Put the clothes on and sit up on the bed. I will meet you in there." 

He grabbed some bacta, gauze, medical tape, a hair brush, detangler, and a few ponytail holders. 

He looked at her matted hair, knowing that this was going to hurt her. He should have waited to dry it.

"Tell me if you need me to stop. I am going to brush and fix your hair, as well as bandage your wound." 

_What wound? That must be why the soap was stinging me._

He gently began pulling sections of hair aside to start with, spraying and brushing it out slowly until it was smooth and tangle free.

He braided loosely around the wound, leaving two long braids, one on each side.

"I am going to put the bacta on now."

He cleaned and covered the wound.

"All done! Awesome job, Leia! You can go brush your teeth now." 

********

She waddled a bit as she walked to the refresher. 

_Think. Brush teeth._

_Okay. I am Leia Organa. I think... I think I am married to Han. Solo?_

_This is an apartment._

_I am 25 years old._

She spat in the sink, blood ran down the drain. She ignored it.

_I seem to be pregnant. Han's? I hope so. This whole thing would be pretty awkward if not. We are both wearing rings, he bathed me, we sleep in the same bed..._

********

Han opened the curtains and blinds in the bedroom, making it so that she could see the city lights and people. It would be good for her to get sunlight and to see movement. 

He vacuumed and sprayed lavender sleep oil on the bed. 

Leia wandered in, looked around, and curled back into bed. Han wandered up beside her. 

"Leia," he said. "You need to eat."

She tried to focus enough to stare him down, but it was pointless. That awful feeling had returned. 

_Why can't I be left to die? Everything is too floaty and fake, nothing is real._

********

She sat on the chair in the kitchen, slowly eating a grilled cheese. Han had sat out some apple slices and some water as well.

She kept dropping food and knocking things over into the floor. 

It was causing her to get frustrated. 

_This is downright embarrassing, why can't I just curl up and die?_

Han never said anything, though. He'd just pick up whatever fell and get her a replacement.

She finished eating and stared at him. 

"Are you sure you don't want to take your medications? You really need them, sweetheart." 

_Oh, he is getting on my last nerve. How does he know I need them? I want to be left alone. No touching. No moving. Why is that so hard for him to understand? What will shut him up? Nothing matters. The world is an illusion. Nothing exists, Han. Nothing-exists-so-let-me-be._

"I can call the doctor tomorrow and ask. Is that okay with you? Or would you rather me do something else?" She finally responded. 

"Yes, Leia, that is a good idea. Thank you." 

********

"Han?" She was staring off into space, laying on top of him. They had been resting on the couch together for an few hours, Han hoping this would bring her back in some way.

So far, it had only succeeded in giving Leia more nap time. That was also fine. She needed it after the panic earlier.

"Yes, Leia?" 

He gently and mindlessly ran his hand over her abdomen. She paused for a moment, then sighed. 

"I... This is embarrassing. I didn't- I can't even remember your last name for sure. Or if we are married. Or where we are. This happens sometimes and the information will return, but for now, I am just confused." 

He flinched a bit. 

_She must be terrified... I should have been more gentle about the whole bath thing. And the food thing. And the rest of it._

"It is okay, Leia." He fidgeted with a section of her hair. 

"My last name is Solo. We are married. See? Both of our rings match." 

She looked up, both of their left hands in her vision. 

_They do!_

"We got married about eight months ago, on Endor." 

She smiled, closing her eyes in an attempt to conjure the memory back up. 

"You hit your head on the wall. You have stitches on the back of your head. That is why I put the bacta on you."

She felt the back of her head as she leaned up. 

"I am sorry I bathed you. I had no idea you had forgotten recent memories. It was probably scary for you." 

"I was okay. I knew it wasn't sexual. You were just worried about me." She stared out the window to watch the sun begin to set.

He began talking again, not done catching her up. 

"Your ankles are swollen because you are five months pregnant." 

She gave a sarcastic thumbs-up, already having noticed this fact. 

"Yours, I presume?" 

He smirked a bit, trying not to let her hear. 

"Yes, Princess, unless you had been cheating on me, it is mine." 

She closed her eyes and smiled. 

"If I had enough pieces of my memory right now, I'd make a grand story on how it isn't yours. I don't have the energy for that right now."

She sighed and snuggled into Han's shoulder even more. 

"Everything will be okay, right? I will live? I am not dying right now?" 

She had a vulnerability in her voice he had never heard before. 

"You aren't dying. I wouldn't let that happen. Your memories will return, too. Until then, I'll be right here to explain things." 

He hugged her tight to his chest.

"You can sleep. I will take your job tonight." 

She liked that plan, making sure that people didn't die was a hard job. 

"Okay, thank you very much." 

She closed her eyes, summoning courage. 

"And Han?" 

"What?"

"I'll take my medications again. Thank you. I am sorry."

"Leia, it isn't your fault. Don't be sorry. I'm here for better and for worse, you can't have one without the other."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiatus until HanLeia Secret Santa is over!!!


	10. Rattled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It only took a few months to complete this section ;)

**One Week Later**

Leia rolled over to find the bed warm, but empty. 

_Where is he? It is too early for him to be at the hangar._

She sat up and looked around. Nothing. Then, she heard something familiar. The echo of a kitchen cabinet closing, bouncing gently before stopping.

_Not again..._

Her body ached as she stood up and stretched, muscle pain from the anxiety among other things. Her ankles popped and she cracked her other joints in the bedroom to make sure they wouldn't draw any attention to her as she walked outside the door.

She snuck up behind him, catching him in the act. 

_I knew it._

He had dumped out all of one of her medications and was dropping the pills back in one-by-one as he counted them.

"Hey, Han."

He jumped, dropping the bottle onto the counter. The rattle settled as he regained his composure. She could hear him sigh as he thought of what to do. He slowly turned to face her.

"What in the hells have I told you about going through my medications? Why do you-"

She sighed and grabbed the bottle off the counter, leaving Han alone in the kitchen. 

_Fuck._

He winced as the bedroom door slammed shut, hoping nobody else in the complex could hear it. 

_Is this what he thinks of me?_

He followed, only to find the door locked. 

No, not locked.

Barricaded. 

His only choice was to try to explain himself through the door, to stutter his way through an apology. 

"Sweetheart, I- I didn't- I just want you to feel better."

No response was given. He leaned against the door.

_Wait- is that Leia?_

She was quietly crying against the door, her head resting on the well-worn and bloodied indent she had created months before. Only as she heard him shift against the door did she respond. 

"Fuck. You." 

Han sighed, running his hand nervously through his hair.

"Leia, I am sorry."

"Please, leave me alone for a while."

********

She stood up upon hearing him walk away, holding her medications still. 

_The nerve of some people-_

She rolled the bottle around in her hands, reading it over and over. 

_I am an adult. I do not need someone watching me so closely, especially against my will._

She went into the bathroom to cup some water in her hands to take the pills with. As she looked up after, she noticed something.

Blotches had formed all over her face and chest, her hair was everywhere, and her pajamas did not fit in the slightest. 

Everything hurt. Her body. Her mind. 

She needed a break.

She took a quick shower, got dressed, brushed her hair, and went out into the halls. 

Almost always deserted from being up so high in the complex, the halls were her favorite place.

They gave her ample opportunity to relax and think. 

_It would be so wonderful to die right now._

********

The carpet was so soft, she hadn't even realized she'd fallen asleep on it. She stared once again at the open domed ceiling end waiting for her body to fully wale up. She felt something.

_Who is touching me?_

She looked beside her and saw Han. 

"What did I tell you?" She said, violently whispering. 

"Leia, for crying out loud, I wasn't going to leave you asleep alone in the fucking hallway! I walked up here and saw a bunch of people taking holos! I laid here so they would think we were just bird watching or some shit." 

She sat up and looked around. All of the people were, thankfully, gone. Han stood up and began walking back to the apartment. 

"Wait-"

********

"Han, I am sorry I snapped earlier but you have to realize that I am an adult and that I know how to take my medications. I do not need you to check on them. If I want help, I will ask." She said, placing her glass of water on the end table beside her. 

Han was sitting leaned forward in a recliner across from her. 

"I am sorry. That was an invasion of your privacy. I was just so worried about you, it really scared me last week to realize how much pain you were in and I wanted to make sure it was going to get better. I won't check your medications again." 

She let his response linger in the air for a moment.

After analyzing it, she found no traces of sarcasm. His explanation made sense.

"Thank you, I really appreciate that." 

She stood up and wandered over to him, curling up in his lap. 

"I love you, Han." 

She rested her head against his shoulder before grabbing his hand and bringing it across her abdomen to rest. 

"I love you, too, Leia." 

He took his free hand and massaged her back, taking a second to prop the footrest up.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry that this update took so long! Even though I have the full work completed, I decided to change a major plot point a few stories down and I, therefore, had to redo all of it. 
> 
> Just bug me and I'll post more.
> 
> I just know that if I don't post this chapter today, that I will totally attempt to edit it even further. 
> 
> Thanks!


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